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Your past sexual experiences also helped you discover what excites you sexually. Unfortunately, some people learn to respond to only a limited number of cues and others never learn to identify feelings of sexual desire as such.”I didn’t even know what sexual desire was until I was almost forty,” says Anne, the housewife-turned-real-estate-saleswoman whose marriage is floundering as a result of her transition from caretaker to career woman. “It took me that long to figure out that I could want sex—for myself, because I enjoyed it and it made me feel good.”Raised in a very traditional and unemotional family, Anne cannot recall either of her parents ever mentioning sex, never mind teaching her anything about it. Yet during her youth, Anne got the impression that when it came to sex, “men were in the driver’s seat. They made all the moves, all the decisions. They felt the urges and we girls put on the brakes if the boy was going too fast for us.”As Anne recalls, what girls decided was too much or too fast had nothing to do with their own sexual feelings. Determining what was “allowed” was based on beliefs and values about what was right or wrong, good or bad, too soon to try or about time to permit. “It never dawned on me that I could feel interested in sex ahead of time,” she claims.Phil, whom Anne married when she was twenty-three, was the first and only man with whom she ever had intercourse. They had sex frequently during the early years of their marriage and, until recently, made love at least twice a week. “I’ve always kind of enjoyed sex,” Anne says, and indeed, Anne was—and still is—easily aroused and usually orgasmic. Yet, until she was in her late thirties, Anne never recognized her own feelings of sexual desire. “I guess I never got a chance to”—she gropes for an explanation that turns out to be close to the truth. Because Phil’s sex drive was a bit higher than her own and since Anne always accepted his sexual invitations, her sexual needs were met before she consciously experienced them. What’s more, since the only cue to which Anne gave sexual meaning was Phil’s interest in being sexual with her, she did feel sexual desire at times, but labeled it as something else. “When I would get all flushed and feel my pulse racing while watching a movie or reading a novel, I thought I was just upset or embarrassed,” she explains.Then, several years ago Phil became preoccupied with problems in his business and was sometimes too tired or tense to have sex. Gradually, they began having sex less and less often. Anne started feeling “keyed up” and restless, as well as distanced from Phil. “I found myself thinking about sex at odd moments early in the morning, in the middle of the day, while driving the car,” she recalls. She mentioned it to a friend who chuckled and asked, “Do you mean to tell me you never felt horny before?” Anne had not. What’s more, once she did, she had to learn what to do about it, including letting Phil know when she was interested in having sex. The fact that she was still uncomfortable doing that played a supporting role in escalating their sexual desire discrepancy.As you can see, any element of your sexual history can have an impact on sexual satisfaction and desire. And as you might expect, the most damaging sexual experiences of all are traumatic ones—including incest, child molestation, rape, and other sexual assaults.*103\261\8*