THE SEX PHASES OF COURTSHIP / PROCEPTIVE PHASE: THE ANNOUNCEMENT
Look. He’s scanning. He stands with his back to the bar, sort of leaning on it like that. He uses his glass like a type of sight on the barrel of a rifle, except that he is holding it just below his belt. Guess what type of rifle he has in mind? He’ll just scan back and forth until he gets a return glance.
STUDENT ANALYZING COURTSHIP TAPE
The first step in bonding is to send a message of availability through words or body language. We all do this every day of our lives, even if we are very happily bonded. We seem to be keeping in practice by sending at least mini-messages to test our “bondability.” It is our mammalian background that predisposes us to this proception.
The body language of proception involves positioning, showing skin (even just a wrist), leaning toward one another, brief touches, “accidental” bumping, leaning on one another, talking closely to one another’s heads because of sometimes nonexistent noise, and other “body dances.” Unfortunately, we tend to abandon these bonding body dances as our marriages age. I teach the couples to “bond-dance” to recapture some of the body dance that helped make the bond in the first place. We come to feel as we behave, so if we behave ‘ ‘bondingly,” we may learn to rediscover our bonding feelings.
We send “hot flashes” during our day. We pass one another, exchange a glance, and seem to send the message, “I could possibly relate to you. I will never talk to you, but I think we could do something together.” Our eyes meet, brief fantasies may occur, and we may think about this anonymous encounter again later. These encounters may take place on an elevator, walking down the hall at work, or even at a traffic light, but they happen and happen often. “Warm flashes” occur when you have lunch with someone, talk with someone over a period of time at a party, work with someone as a colleague, or spend a little time with someone. Glances are exchanged again, and conversations may include double-meaning messages that test the bonding state of each person. These interactions may be just a form of “bonding play,” but again we all do this, establish brief, mini-bonds with many people, perhaps as a way of meeting the bonding needs unmet in our primary relationship.
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