CANCER BREAST/PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS: PARTNERS
A diagnosis of breast cancer is almost as hard on a partner as on the woman directly affected. Generally speaking, men find it more difficult than women to express their feelings, to ask for and accept help. It is also common that the attention of family and friends is focused on the patient; few people think to ask the patient’s husband how he is doing. Breast cancer is a family disease, and a husband may be more directly involved than anyone else.
He may be expected to listen to your fears and grief, to take on some of your usual responsibilities, to accompany you to doctors’ appointments, to support and reassure your children. Like you, he is sad and scared and unsure how to best help you and your family. Unlike you, and this may be difficult to contemplate, he must also worry about how to care for your family if you should not survive this illness. The burdens of these real worries are enormous, and many men are ill prepared to cope with them. Husbands of women with breast cancer often talk about how overwhelmed they are feeling, and how much they miss their wives “as they used to be.” No one expects you to pretend that you are carefree, but it will help your husband if you can sometimes focus on the happiness of the moment.
The best advice, again, is open and honest communication. Tell him how you are feeling. Let him know what frightens you. Ask him to hold you. Talk about the changes you may be experiencing in your body and your libido. Remember the joys you have shared and plan for the future together.
Encourage your husband to find someone he can talk to. He will feel that he can’t share with you all of what he is feeling; he worries about burdening you and protecting you. Some hospitals have support groups for husbands; ask what is available to help him. Suggest that he continue with activities that have been fun for him in the past; playing golf or fishing or going out with friends will help him manage the harder days.
Most husbands rise to the occasion and provide unlimited love and support to their wives. Some, however, do not. If your husband seems angry or rejecting or preoccupied or otherwise unavailable to you, remember that what you are seeing is likely his problem and his issues. Try to talk with him. If you cannot, find your support elsewhere and encourage him to do likewise.
We recognize that there are other kinds of partnerships in the world. Many who are not husbands may experience the same feelings as their married brothers. Newer boyfriends often become more loving and involved and appreciative of what you share together. Lesbian couples experience all of the same feelings and may have some concerns about how others will react to them. The incidence of breast cancer is even higher in the lesbian community, so most lesbian women will already be familiar with the problem. This may be a moment when the fact that your partner is also a woman means that it is easier for her to truly empathize and understand what, you are going through. There are support groups in many areas specifically for lesbian women and their partners facing breast cancer.
*22\109\8*
